jokes.....adult oriented...........
08-07-2003, 01:30 AM
#1
Guest
Posts: n/a
This is an actual job application that a 15 year old submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas .... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks no.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Ralph first noticed that his ***** was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several
weeks his ***** had grown to nearly twenty inches and was close to dragging
on the ground.
Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously:
"What part did you get?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough,the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The new town pastor walked into a neighborhood pub, and stood quietly for a
moment, watching everyone dancing in the place, which was hopping with music. Every once in a while the lights would go out, and the whole place would erupt into cheers.
After a few moments, though, the revelers caughtsight of the pastor, and the room went dead silent.
He walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked.
"Well, there is life-sized statue of a naked woman in there, and
her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom. The dancing and rowdiness resumed; and when the lights went out again, the crowd cheered even more wildly than before.
After a few minutes, the preacher came back out; and the crowd stopped dancing just long enough to give him an enthusiastic round of applause.
He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us!" said the bartender.
"But, I'm afraid I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "everytime the fig leaf on that statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woodpeckers
>
>A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which
>place had the toughest trees.
>
>The Hawaii woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could
>peck.
>
>The California woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the
>tree with no problem.
>
>The Hawaii woodpecker was in awe.
>
>The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaii woodpecker to peck a
>tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable.
>
>The Hawaii woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted
>the challenge.
>
>After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the
>tree with no problem.
>
>The two woodpeckers were now confused.
>
>How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaii tree
>and the Hawaii woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither
>one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
>
>After much woodpecker-pondering,they both came to the same conclusion:
>
>Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
you know your canadian when .................
You know that watching Mr. Dress-up is not a tranvestite voyeuristic activity.
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early.
You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet, because you can really use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your *** and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs from carrying your pocket money a around). The new coin should have a picture of a musk-ox on it, be the size of a hamburger pattie, and have fifteen different kinds of metals in it, including poutine.
You have memorised the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "I smell burnt toast, Doctor", "You all know I canna read a word..." and "Kanata".
You know what a tuque is.
You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
You don't care about the fuss with Cuba, it's a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks no.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Ralph first noticed that his ***** was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several
weeks his ***** had grown to nearly twenty inches and was close to dragging
on the ground.
Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously:
"What part did you get?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough,the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The new town pastor walked into a neighborhood pub, and stood quietly for a
moment, watching everyone dancing in the place, which was hopping with music. Every once in a while the lights would go out, and the whole place would erupt into cheers.
After a few moments, though, the revelers caughtsight of the pastor, and the room went dead silent.
He walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked.
"Well, there is life-sized statue of a naked woman in there, and
her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom. The dancing and rowdiness resumed; and when the lights went out again, the crowd cheered even more wildly than before.
After a few minutes, the preacher came back out; and the crowd stopped dancing just long enough to give him an enthusiastic round of applause.
He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us!" said the bartender.
"But, I'm afraid I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "everytime the fig leaf on that statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woodpeckers
>
>A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which
>place had the toughest trees.
>
>The Hawaii woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could
>peck.
>
>The California woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the
>tree with no problem.
>
>The Hawaii woodpecker was in awe.
>
>The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaii woodpecker to peck a
>tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable.
>
>The Hawaii woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted
>the challenge.
>
>After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the
>tree with no problem.
>
>The two woodpeckers were now confused.
>
>How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaii tree
>and the Hawaii woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither
>one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
>
>After much woodpecker-pondering,they both came to the same conclusion:
>
>Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
you know your canadian when .................
You know that watching Mr. Dress-up is not a tranvestite voyeuristic activity.
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early.
You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet, because you can really use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your *** and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs from carrying your pocket money a around). The new coin should have a picture of a musk-ox on it, be the size of a hamburger pattie, and have fifteen different kinds of metals in it, including poutine.
You have memorised the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "I smell burnt toast, Doctor", "You all know I canna read a word..." and "Kanata".
You know what a tuque is.
You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
You don't care about the fuss with Cuba, it's a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk
08-07-2003, 05:04 AM
#2
2000 Watt CAFz'r
Join Date: Oct 2000
Posts: 2,357
RULES....We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here
> >are the
> > >>rules from the male side. (Finally!!) So these are OUR rules!
> >Please
> > >>note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
> > >>
> > >>1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
> >put it
> > >>down.You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You
don't
> >hear us
> > >>complaining about you leaving it down.
> > >>
> > >>1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.
> > >>
> > >>1. Crying is blackmail.
> > >>
> > >>1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle
> >hints do not
> > >>work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just
> >say it!
> > >>
> > >>1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
> >question.
> > >>
> > >>1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
> >That's what
> > >>we do.
> > >>Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
> > >>
> > >>1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
> > >>
> > >>1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
> >In fact,
> > >>all comments become null and void after 7 days.
> > >>
> > >>1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
> >expect us to
> > >>act like soap opera guys.
> > >>
> > >>1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
> > >>
> > >>1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
> >the ways
> > >>makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
> > >>
> > >>1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want
> >it done.
> > >>Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
> >yourself.
> > >>
> > >>1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
> > >>commercials.
> > >>
> > >>1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do
> >we.
> > >>
> > >>1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default
settings.
> >Peach,
> > >>for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We
> >have
> > no
> > >> idea what mauve is.
> > >>
> > >>1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
> > >>
> > >>1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like
> > >>nothing's wrong.
> > >>We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
> > >>
> > >>1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
> >answer you
> > >>don't want to hear.
> > >>
> > >>1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared
> >to
> > >>discuss such topics as football, V8 Supercars or the relative
> >merits of
> > >>Playstation over X-Box.
> > >>
> > >>1. You have enough clothes.
> > >>
> > >>1. You have too many shoes.
> > >>
> > >>1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
> > >>
> > >>1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on
the
> >couch
> > >>tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like
> >camping.
> > >>
> >are the
> > >>rules from the male side. (Finally!!) So these are OUR rules!
> >Please
> > >>note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
> > >>
> > >>1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
> >put it
> > >>down.You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You
don't
> >hear us
> > >>complaining about you leaving it down.
> > >>
> > >>1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.
> > >>
> > >>1. Crying is blackmail.
> > >>
> > >>1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle
> >hints do not
> > >>work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just
> >say it!
> > >>
> > >>1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
> >question.
> > >>
> > >>1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
> >That's what
> > >>we do.
> > >>Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
> > >>
> > >>1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
> > >>
> > >>1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
> >In fact,
> > >>all comments become null and void after 7 days.
> > >>
> > >>1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
> >expect us to
> > >>act like soap opera guys.
> > >>
> > >>1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
> > >>
> > >>1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
> >the ways
> > >>makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
> > >>
> > >>1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want
> >it done.
> > >>Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
> >yourself.
> > >>
> > >>1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
> > >>commercials.
> > >>
> > >>1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do
> >we.
> > >>
> > >>1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default
settings.
> >Peach,
> > >>for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We
> >have
> > no
> > >> idea what mauve is.
> > >>
> > >>1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
> > >>
> > >>1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like
> > >>nothing's wrong.
> > >>We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
> > >>
> > >>1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
> >answer you
> > >>don't want to hear.
> > >>
> > >>1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared
> >to
> > >>discuss such topics as football, V8 Supercars or the relative
> >merits of
> > >>Playstation over X-Box.
> > >>
> > >>1. You have enough clothes.
> > >>
> > >>1. You have too many shoes.
> > >>
> > >>1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
> > >>
> > >>1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on
the
> >couch
> > >>tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like
> >camping.
> > >>
08-07-2003, 02:14 PM
#3
1000 Watt CAFz'r
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,102
Originally posted by Icon:
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like
camping.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like
camping.
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post
